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Thursday, June 6th 2013

1:04 PM (1778 days, 16h, 19min ago)

Hating Today...

  • Mood: Totally screwed
  • Sound: stupid t.v.
  • Quote: Grrrrrrrrrr....

Desperately hating today. 13 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant...I found out as soon as AF was due because I was expecting it...as in trying for this outcome...thrilled that it happened...


Today however I have been an emotional freaken wreck and I nothing makes me happy...all I want is for the one I love to wrap her arms around me hold me close and tight and tell me she loves me...did it happen....No...is it going to happen...No...even after flat out saying this is how I feel, this is what I am thinking, hello this is what I need...NO not going to happen...


I am so sick of being there for everyone else but when I really need someone to just be there for me...and not patronize me with...oh come on you know I love you you know it always turns out ok...that isn't what I want or need...don't patronize me with the I already know line...of course I already know...unfortunately that means shit to my mental status right now and I NEED someone to just hold me, tell me they love me and tell me all will be ok in the end...regardless of whether or not I know it...just for once...someone give me what I need instead of the other way around...


instead of me showering love down on someone else, instead of me picking up messes, instead of me doing the dirty work, instead of me being the comforter and peace maker...just be it for me...just today...


Just want today to be over and end already...I desperately hate today...




Sunday, December 2nd 2012

3:05 AM (1965 days, 1h, 18min ago)

Die Hard

  • Mood: downtroddened
  • Sound: t.v. crime show
  • Quote: wherever you are...I pray for you...

And that they do...old habbits die hard...did something ridiculous tonight...it will be fine by morning...but everything is blurring together at this point in time...at least it is blurring together without all the all to normal stress and turmoil that normally causes the blurr of life to ensue.

I have such a wonderful life. A beautiful wife, wonderful children, amazing friends and yet I can't do more to help them all feel safe and secure. I can't give them the comfortable life that they so deserve...

Then I want...no...we (my wife and I) want to conceive. We have a donor and everything...everything is set if only my internal workings would straighten out so that we could make it an actual possibility. I would love so much to add to our family and know that I, too, contributed to the beautiful family that we have built for our selves.

So many thoughts that drift in and out of my mind...some stopping and lingering longer than others...some still lingering longer than they should...wishing, always wishing, that these thoughts would lealve us be and let us all have the happy life that I know my family deserves. We have a nice life, we are loving people...if only the world and heaven above would come together and smile down on us to give a blessed life...sometimes it feels like we sand alone with out back against the world and heavens eyes turned away from us...not because of our lifestyle either...I have made peace with that long ago...more, I guess tat blind ees are turned because we speak truths when others wont but need to.

This was a mistake to write tonight...my mistake has kicked in and now this all of this makes no sense what so ever...that's my clue to sht up and sign off for the night...

Just had to get in here...I don't come offten but it is my safe sounding board...and I needed to bounce words around a minute.

goodnight to all





I pray your brakes go out runnin' down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flyin' high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
I pray for you


Friday, February 17th 2012

10:08 PM (2253 days, 6h, 16min ago)

And the tension builds...

  • Mood: a little on the depressed side
  • Sound: t.v.

I feel like I have a stone on my chest that weights over a ton. It is slowly but surely suffocating the last breath out of my body. My mind spins constantly, my heart never slows, my skin crawls, and my body tingles as the tension builds. I look at all the silver gleams around that could bring relief, even if only momentary, temporary, all to quick to cease relief...yet, it is relief...for those few moments a solid breath would be taken, a clear head would be on my shoulders, and the tension would drain...yes, drain to only build again, but still....drain it would...but I don't and I won't...I have to much to push forward for, I've come to far, and I've progressed to much to waste it and lose it all...but it doesn't change the fact that I still can't breath, that stone is still there, the breath is still choked, and the thoughts still swarm my mind...no, it doesn't change all of that...it is still hard...I just want it all to stop for a few moments so that I can regain my footing...I feel like I'm falling into a black hole and the rope I was holding on to for a security has snapped and even though it is endless and the falling goes forever, it is still no comfort, but only brings dread...

I just want to breath for a second...just a second...



Monday, September 5th 2011

11:51 PM (2418 days, 5h, 33min ago)

When life drags you...

  • Mood: undecided
  • Sound: friends on t.v.

...through a ditch! It really sucks!!

I don't claim to have had a perfect life and I don't claim to have had the worse life in comparison to anyone else. As human beings I think we all have our good times and bad times...however, sometimes when you look around and you see good things happening for others and you are in one of those not good times it makes you feel like you are being drug through a ditch while others are riding around in limos on streets of gold.

My life is not horrible, it isn't. I have a good family, a home, and all neccessities taken care of...but when you have to fight to keep the majority of everything taken care of you just get really tired. I hate looking around and seeing that I can't do any more to make things better for my family. I want them to have only happiness, and I know that's not possible and everyone experiences some unhappiness at some time or another...but it doesn't change the fact that you WANT to make it better...

I hate not being able to articulate what I am feeling inside. Writing use to be such a positive outlet for me. Even if my writing was not positive, it still got all the negative crap inside of me-out of me in a positive and healthy way...now I just sit here with it building up inside of me making my head scream at me from the inside out...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!



Sunday, November 7th 2010

5:03 PM (2720 days, 11h, 21min ago)

The Blame Game...

  • Mood: Angry
  • Sound: Hannah Montanna for my little girl
  • Quote: GGGRRRR

I hate being blammed for things that are not my fault. I am very good at taking responsibility for my own crap. I am extreamly good at taking responsibility even when it isn't my crap...I don't need other people helping me with that. It is not my fault that I have a good relationship with my step-children...actually, yes it is...it is my fault I have a good relationship with them because I work my ass off to have a good relationship with them and let them feel loved and accepted by me...it is not HOWEVER my fault that they don't have much to do with someone else or don't want to go somewhere with others...they are growing young people who have minds of their own. I go where I want when I want...I give them the same option...if they want to go somewhere I do not hold them from it (as long as it is safe for them)...so I wish people would stop playing the blame game and laying blame where it does not belong. When really, what the problem is is that they do not want to admit to their own short comings of being able to handle certain situations...


I am angry right now...and hurt...and it doesn't matter...