I feel like I have a stone on my chest that weights over a ton. It is slowly but surely suffocating the last breath out of my body. My mind spins constantly, my heart never slows, my skin crawls, and my body tingles as the tension builds. I look at all the silver gleams around that could bring relief, even if only momentary, temporary, all to quick to cease relief...yet, it is relief...for those few moments a solid breath would be taken, a clear head would be on my shoulders, and the tension would drain...yes, drain to only build again, but still....drain it would...but I don't and I won't...I have to much to push forward for, I've come to far, and I've progressed to much to waste it and lose it all...but it doesn't change the fact that I still can't breath, that stone is still there, the breath is still choked, and the thoughts still swarm my mind...no, it doesn't change all of that...it is still hard...I just want it all to stop for a few moments so that I can regain my footing...I feel like I'm falling into a black hole and the rope I was holding on to for a security has snapped and even though it is endless and the falling goes forever, it is still no comfort, but only brings dread...

I just want to breath for a second...just a second...

...through a ditch! It really sucks!!

I don't claim to have had a perfect life and I don't claim to have had the worse life in comparison to anyone else. As human beings I think we all have our good times and bad times...however, sometimes when you look around and you see good things happening for others and you are in one of those not good times it makes you feel like you are being drug through a ditch while others are riding around in limos on streets of gold.

My life is not horrible, it isn't. I have a good family, a home, and all neccessities taken care of...but when you have to fight to keep the majority of everything taken care of you just get really tired. I hate looking around and seeing that I can't do any more to make things better for my family. I want them to have only happiness, and I know that's not possible and everyone experiences some unhappiness at some time or another...but it doesn't change the fact that you WANT to make it better...

I hate not being able to articulate what I am feeling inside. Writing use to be such a positive outlet for me. Even if my writing was not positive, it still got all the negative crap inside of me-out of me in a positive and healthy way...now I just sit here with it building up inside of me making my head scream at me from the inside out...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

~Night~

I hate being blammed for things that are not my fault. I am very good at taking responsibility for my own crap. I am extreamly good at taking responsibility even when it isn't my crap...I don't need other people helping me with that. It is not my fault that I have a good relationship with my step-children...actually, yes it is...it is my fault I have a good relationship with them because I work my ass off to have a good relationship with them and let them feel loved and accepted by me...it is not HOWEVER my fault that they don't have much to do with someone else or don't want to go somewhere with others...they are growing young people who have minds of their own. I go where I want when I want...I give them the same option...if they want to go somewhere I do not hold them from it (as long as it is safe for them)...so I wish people would stop playing the blame game and laying blame where it does not belong. When really, what the problem is is that they do not want to admit to their own short comings of being able to handle certain situations...

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG....

I am angry right now...and hurt...and it doesn't matter...

Is it to much to ask to be left alone at 1:00 in the friggen morning!!! I didn't think so, but apparently it is...

Also, is it to much to ask to be believed...to not be called or considered a liar...or the family slut and whore...I was a freaken child and I didn't ask for the shit...so get over your self righteousness and just accept that all people have their skeletons in the closet and maybe my family has a few to many...

I am so tired of being looked down on...so tired of being blammed...so tired of being...take it as whatever it sounds like...

It is 1:20 in the morning now...I can't sleep. My SweetPea went to work early tonight and I was suppose to go to sleep...but...what the hell is that...sleep...gee...wish I knew...my head says fuck sleep...it stays awake and tortures me with thoughts that I don't want to think...feelings I don't want to have...and I try to face each morning with a smile...I try to have a positive outlook...and more and more I just am not making that happen...it is like this ticking time bomb within me and the more it ticks the less I can pull off the "good girl" bit...I don't try and pull it off for the adults...I mean...my baby can handle it no matter what mood I am in..not that she deserves to have to deal with it...but atleast I know I am accepted no matter what with her...and I don't particularly care if some get attitude...thought I try not to give it unneccessarily...however...the little ones...they shouldn't have to put up with it...they are innocent and sweet and precious...just like I once was...or was I ever...I am beginning to doubt I ever was...at least that is what so many can cause me to feel like...with you a few words...everything positive turns to darkness...

I am so tired of being faced with this shit...I feel like I am making big steps forward...moving on with my life...living...really living...even with the chaos that goes on...it is my life and it is a good one now...and then something like this goes on and BAM...girl gets knocked falt on her ass...

I would like to say that I am going to bed...but I know that it isn't going to happen that way...I am going to lay here awake...watch george lopez...toss and turn...look at my kids...hate myself for being the way I am 90% of the time...then try and find something to waste the time until I can make my mind exhausted enough that it shuts down with hardly any time to spare until the day should actually be beginning...

Good Night All...

Sometimes it sucks to be among the living...all the yelling ,screaming, killing, stealing, etc...children neglected and abused...you elderly left to die alone in homes...parents working double shifts, multiple jobs just to provide for their family only to find out the next day that they have no job to support their family on...i'm telling you our world is depressing...really depressing...

i know...if its depressing don't think about it...if i don't think about the problems that everyone else have or the problems that are alive in our world today then that leaves me to think about my problems...and why the hell would i want to do that...that never does anything but get me into trouble or deep into depression...

my marriage is great...my step kids are great...there isn't much i can say in defense of anything else in life though...

yes...i am slightly depressed and in a very  BIG BIG BIIIIG blah moment!!!

on an up note...we got a new puppy today...her name is Ortega...she is adorable...only 1 month old...

Buh Bye