Almost 11:00PM got sick people in the house...I am one of them...though I am to busy running in between everyone else to even care to take care of myself...yes, I know...stupid right, because in the end if I don't take care of myself how can I take care of anyone else...I get it, I know it...HOWEVER...it doesn't change the fact that regardless of if I know that, everyone else still needs to be taken care of, or helped out, or problems fixed...and by the end of the day I am just to tired and worn out...I feel like I am spreed entirely too thin...I am the taffy and I have been stretched so far that you can see through me, any more stretching and I will break...

I have been struggling lately with SI thoughts and urges...it never truly goes away...you can go an hour, a day, a month, or years without hurting yourself...and still the thoughts are there...the urges are there...they never go away...some times they lessen but eventually they come back full force...almost 4 years in Ca. and only one or two major SI incidents...and now everything in me wants to say screw it and just rip away at my skin....instead I will just starve...or puke...at least it doesn't leave visible scars...I've done that so many years off and on that it is easy enough to pass off as stress, or intense pain and so incapable of eating, or just make sure there are times when no one is looking and you can say you ate then...

I am tired...I just want something to go right...anything...

I love my family...love them with all my heart and soul...they are my life...my entire world...but sometimes it feels like the world around me is crumbling and there is nothing I can do...it makes me feel helpless and I hate feeling helpless....

11:00 PM now...fifteen minutes until I have to get my love up for work...I need to go get things together for her...I should be able to go to sleep between 1:30 and 2:00 but I'll be up again by 5:00...and so my days go...little sleep and much stress...

To many days are spent wishing I could disappear but not wanting to be without those three precious angels in my life...so many conflicting feelings, and thoughts...

Again I say...tired, worn out, stretched thin...

~You know who~

My head is pounding right now. It feels as though there is this person sitting inside of my head with a hammer and just pounding on everything inside they can reach...the funny thing is...someone inside probably is pissy and doing that...

I have so much static going on inside lately. There are so many things going on. I mean...I finally get on an even kill in my relationship with my angel (we hit a rough patch about a year ago I guess...but since have gotten through it) and everything else seems to fall apart...I think it is impossible for everyone to get along all the time...but sheesh, does everyone have to bicker all the time in the absence of getting along...can't people just coexist when they don't want to get along... let's just say I am not thrilled with life right now...for many reasons...

I am taking off for the winter semester in school because I just cannot handle things...I do my school work (a full load) on top of doing atleast half of the work load for two other people...no it isn't right...but I look at everything they have to do and I think "oh I just want to help" but then it never ends at "sure i'll help you out this time"...it always continues...I don't know...I think I am sometimes just as much a pushover here as I was in the past...but then I see other times where I am so much more assertive...at least with certain aspects of my life...I mean...that is progress right...??? I don't know any more...

So we are having to move...yeah...horrible...well I mean...not terribly horrible...just a major inconvenience...it had to come right now at a very inopportune time...it is going to be tough on the kids too because they are so zoned in on routines...this is a big routine disturbance...let me tell ya...

You know, I have no clue why I am even writing...I am just rambling on about absolutely nothing...I mean for crying out loud...I wear a mask in reality 90% of the time...I can't even seem to get rid of the damn thing in my own writing space...my journal...damn it all...I wish I could just send all the masks to hell and be real all the time...but then...what if that didn't work out and it just made things worse...so much of this world responds so much better to freaken masked people walking around pretending to be real but really just hiding their true selves...I don't know what I am saying...it is all jibberish and of no importance...nevermind me...goodnight...

at least the fog lifts if it pertains to weather...when it pertains to life I am beginning to think the fog never lifts only gets thicker and easier to get lost in...

I don't sleep very much. I am in bed between 10 and midnight every night (occassionaly, and it is rar, I might get to bed y 9:30) it takes me on average anywhere from 30 minutes tso 1 hour to fall asleep...so as long as I am in bed no later than 11 p.m. then I might get a hour or two of sleep before the alarm goes off at 1 a.m. I get up so I can see my angel out the door. She works the graveyard shift...she sas I don't have to get up with her, and I know I don't. I do t because I love her and I want her to know it. I do it becaue I like making sure her morning gets off okay...so 1:00-3:00 a.m. I am awake...at 3:00 she calls to tell me she has made it to the top of the mountain...again, she doesn't want to do this (she wants me to sleep-but I wont be able to sleep until I know she is safe...that road is too dangerous)...so by 3:10 I am trying to drift back off to slumber land...if the little ones don't wake up in the early morning hours then I can do this and wont get up until 5:30-6:30 dependin on if it is a school day or a weekend...so I don't sleep much...whats sad though, is I get more sleep than my angel does.

Well, this lack of solid sleep stuff is starting to get to me...ok, understatement...it has been getting to me for awhile. I have grown short tempered, easily irritatd, and more moody than a woman who pms' four wees out of the month...I don't like it...I hate it...but it is the truth...

Then on top of that this is the holiday season...thanksgiving, christmas, new years...all back to back...these holiays hold a few good memories that I try to hold on to...but for the most part they hold horrific memories that play out like a big screen movie in my mind...all the horrible things that happened in my childhood and adolesence...it make the holidays hard to get through sometimes...throw in on top of all of that that this is the month of my mom's birthday, the day I told her I was in love with another woman, AND the anniversary of her death in 2006 (on thanksgiving morning).

I have just about all I can handle at one time on my plate...then finances have gone to hell, only they haven't come back...you know the saying "to hell and back again"...well it would be doable if they would just do the "back again" part...but no, they went to hell and stayed...another thing that makes holidays difficult...the kids will have a christmas, that is the important thing...but it makes me so sad that I am struggling on how I will be able to get anything for my angel for christmas (if I am able)...I know she wont care, because she knows better than anyone how tough times are right now...still, it makes me sad that she may not get a gift this year...

My kiddos have had it rough lately...with a jerk draining our bank account and then everyone having emotions fly high because of that...we have had to deal with lawyers and everything else and it has been stressful...then tension in the household just from all the stress going around...no one knows whether to breath or hold thei breath in fear that the world around them might break...so the kids are a little on edge...and I wish we could make it better for them...God knows we are trying...

Oops...must go...I could write forever right now...there is so much in me that needs to come out..and I have had such a hard time writing lately...but it is 10 a.m. and I need to get to the kids...not to mention finish cleaning before company comes in tomorrow...well, this journey called life becknos to me at the moment...so I will write again soon I hope...

Until then...stay warm and I hope you enjoy you holidays...

A stormy time in life has come yet again. In this journey there have been so many storms...to many to weather I believe. I do not know how to make it through this one if there is only to be one more around the corner.

That person known as a grandfather passed away in October. I do not know really what to make of it. It makes me sad because of what my grandmother has had to go through in losing him, and sad because of how she did actually need him for various reasons...It makes me mad, It makes me hurt, It makes me want to hurt myself...for so many different reasons...

I do not know where life is taking me...what turns I have made, have they been right? have I gotten lost? am I going on the right path and just fallen into a ditch? what...? where am I? what is happening? what is to come of all of this?

So many doubts...so many fears...so much inside that if I let out I may never gain control of again...

"Lullabye for a Stormy Night" is a song by Vienna Teng...I absolutely love the song...it is very comforting...I stumbled upon it years ago from CSF (an online forum)...since that time I have come to love so much of her music...this song however remains a top favorite that has comforted me in so many times...I just wanted to share it tonight with anyone else who may need to find comfort also.

Until next time...

Boy does it ever. It has been over 109 days since I last wrote here in my journal, and so much has happened. A and M came to visit for an entire week in June and I loved it, it was so nice having them here. I missed them so much and I guess until they were here I really didn’t realize just how much I missed them. Now my sister is coming in January…she is moving here to go to school…that is great right…right…I am so excited you have no idea…beyond excited…before I moved out here she and I were just starting to build a friendship and not hate each other because of the annoying crap that sisters put each other through while they are kids and growing up…we were starting to mature as sisters…it was nice…I am really hoping we can continue that once she is here…but then I find out tonight (like less than an hour ago)…that instead of us flying her out here come January like we had planned my father says he is going to drive her….ummmmmm…..the same man who I got so mad at when my mom passed away…the same man who said I could come but not my wife…the same man who I cried so many bitter tears over during that time…yes the same man…they are one in the same…I don’t have a problem with him driving her here if he wants to…but I know he wants to drive her here not only to see that she is okay but because he wants to talk to me and probably alone…and I don’t want to do that…not to mention I don’t want him in my house if he is going to be so cruel to my family…I love the life I have here now…it may not be perfect, it is far from it actually…but in 3 years I have become so much healthier, I have become so much happier, and I am so much stronger…no I am not 100 % A okay…but I am doing so much better than I was before I moved here…I don’t know if I am ready to come face to face with him yet…I may be so much stronger…but I don’t know if I am strong enough for that….

Tonight I feel like this...

Buh-Bye