at least the fog lifts if it pertains to weather...when it pertains to life I am beginning to think the fog never lifts only gets thicker and easier to get lost in...

I don't sleep very much. I am in bed between 10 and midnight every night (occassionaly, and it is rar, I might get to bed y 9:30) it takes me on average anywhere from 30 minutes tso 1 hour to fall asleep...so as long as I am in bed no later than 11 p.m. then I might get a hour or two of sleep before the alarm goes off at 1 a.m. I get up so I can see my angel out the door. She works the graveyard shift...she sas I don't have to get up with her, and I know I don't. I do t because I love her and I want her to know it. I do it becaue I like making sure her morning gets off okay...so 1:00-3:00 a.m. I am awake...at 3:00 she calls to tell me she has made it to the top of the mountain...again, she doesn't want to do this (she wants me to sleep-but I wont be able to sleep until I know she is safe...that road is too dangerous)...so by 3:10 I am trying to drift back off to slumber land...if the little ones don't wake up in the early morning hours then I can do this and wont get up until 5:30-6:30 dependin on if it is a school day or a weekend...so I don't sleep much...whats sad though, is I get more sleep than my angel does.

Well, this lack of solid sleep stuff is starting to get to me...ok, understatement...it has been getting to me for awhile. I have grown short tempered, easily irritatd, and more moody than a woman who pms' four wees out of the month...I don't like it...I hate it...but it is the truth...

Then on top of that this is the holiday season...thanksgiving, christmas, new years...all back to back...these holiays hold a few good memories that I try to hold on to...but for the most part they hold horrific memories that play out like a big screen movie in my mind...all the horrible things that happened in my childhood and adolesence...it make the holidays hard to get through sometimes...throw in on top of all of that that this is the month of my mom's birthday, the day I told her I was in love with another woman, AND the anniversary of her death in 2006 (on thanksgiving morning).

I have just about all I can handle at one time on my plate...then finances have gone to hell, only they haven't come back...you know the saying "to hell and back again"...well it would be doable if they would just do the "back again" part...but no, they went to hell and stayed...another thing that makes holidays difficult...the kids will have a christmas, that is the important thing...but it makes me so sad that I am struggling on how I will be able to get anything for my angel for christmas (if I am able)...I know she wont care, because she knows better than anyone how tough times are right now...still, it makes me sad that she may not get a gift this year...

My kiddos have had it rough lately...with a jerk draining our bank account and then everyone having emotions fly high because of that...we have had to deal with lawyers and everything else and it has been stressful...then tension in the household just from all the stress going around...no one knows whether to breath or hold thei breath in fear that the world around them might break...so the kids are a little on edge...and I wish we could make it better for them...God knows we are trying...

Oops...must go...I could write forever right now...there is so much in me that needs to come out..and I have had such a hard time writing lately...but it is 10 a.m. and I need to get to the kids...not to mention finish cleaning before company comes in tomorrow...well, this journey called life becknos to me at the moment...so I will write again soon I hope...

Until then...stay warm and I hope you enjoy you holidays...

A stormy time in life has come yet again. In this journey there have been so many storms...to many to weather I believe. I do not know how to make it through this one if there is only to be one more around the corner.

That person known as a grandfather passed away in October. I do not know really what to make of it. It makes me sad because of what my grandmother has had to go through in losing him, and sad because of how she did actually need him for various reasons...It makes me mad, It makes me hurt, It makes me want to hurt myself...for so many different reasons...

I do not know where life is taking me...what turns I have made, have they been right? have I gotten lost? am I going on the right path and just fallen into a ditch? what...? where am I? what is happening? what is to come of all of this?

So many doubts...so many fears...so much inside that if I let out I may never gain control of again...

"Lullabye for a Stormy Night" is a song by Vienna Teng...I absolutely love the song...it is very comforting...I stumbled upon it years ago from CSF (an online forum)...since that time I have come to love so much of her music...this song however remains a top favorite that has comforted me in so many times...I just wanted to share it tonight with anyone else who may need to find comfort also.

Until next time...

Boy does it ever. It has been over 109 days since I last wrote here in my journal, and so much has happened. A and M came to visit for an entire week in June and I loved it, it was so nice having them here. I missed them so much and I guess until they were here I really didn’t realize just how much I missed them. Now my sister is coming in January…she is moving here to go to school…that is great right…right…I am so excited you have no idea…beyond excited…before I moved out here she and I were just starting to build a friendship and not hate each other because of the annoying crap that sisters put each other through while they are kids and growing up…we were starting to mature as sisters…it was nice…I am really hoping we can continue that once she is here…but then I find out tonight (like less than an hour ago)…that instead of us flying her out here come January like we had planned my father says he is going to drive her….ummmmmm…..the same man who I got so mad at when my mom passed away…the same man who said I could come but not my wife…the same man who I cried so many bitter tears over during that time…yes the same man…they are one in the same…I don’t have a problem with him driving her here if he wants to…but I know he wants to drive her here not only to see that she is okay but because he wants to talk to me and probably alone…and I don’t want to do that…not to mention I don’t want him in my house if he is going to be so cruel to my family…I love the life I have here now…it may not be perfect, it is far from it actually…but in 3 years I have become so much healthier, I have become so much happier, and I am so much stronger…no I am not 100 % A okay…but I am doing so much better than I was before I moved here…I don’t know if I am ready to come face to face with him yet…I may be so much stronger…but I don’t know if I am strong enough for that….

Tonight I feel like this...

Buh-Bye

Sometimes I wish I could detach my head and send it in to something like the geeksquad for computers. Just send it in, sign your slip, and then have it returned to you in 5 to 7 business days in fine working order...I am off all of my meds...money is too tight, and I don't have insurance right now and what my doctors have prescribed (without insurance) will cost close to if not over 2,000 a month...I can't afford that...that is more than my rent...and I live in a fairly nice house...

I am so tired. I feel like I get nothing accomplished in a day yet get more and more tired, more and more exhausted...and not always in the physical...sometimes I may be physically awake but just mentally incapable of rational, comprehensible thought...so much goes on in a day...so many troubles...so many trials right now...I look back and I know I have been through really hard times in the past...I look back and know that those in my family have been through very rough patches in life...and I think, this should be nothing...we should be able to take this all as a grain of sand...but in the here and now...it just doesn't seem to work that way...

It is 11:15 at night...my alarm goes off at 2:00 a.m. I just washed up the dishes, and I need to put a little bit of this laundry away (really need to put all of it away)...*sigh*...I want to disappear again...I was starting to look up and do good for a little bit...not long, but it was a start and better than nothing...and then it was like the world came crashing down again...saying, "yeah right bitch, don't even get your hopes up..."

On a good note before I sign off tonight...My grandmother is still coming in June to visit major happy about that...but now my sister is getting to come too...I can't believe it but I actually miss (really really miss) my little sister...and of course I miss my meemaw...she is so precious...I love her tons and miss her more...

Anyway...

Until next time...stay safe, stay sweet...

You remember them right? Those fun little cylinder toys that have all the shapes and colors at the bottom, and if you point it to the sun, and look through it, and twist the bottom then everything changes colors and shapes, and sizes...almost like looking through the world in a million, tiny, different eyes. Most days that’s what it feels like anymore. Had a real good stretch of things there for awhile...it was all real nasty after mamma died, and got a lot worse after all the crap about daddy came about...but then things started settling down and leveling off...but no...it couldn’t last hu...someone had to go and twist the bottom of our world and make everything tumble and fall and change yet again...I use to love playing with Kaleidoscopes...right now if I had one I think I would smash it into a million little pieces and then burn the pieces to ashes and then wash the ashes away with a bucket full of boiling hot water!!! Maybe no one understands what I mean, maybe you do...I don’t know...I just needed to write...things are horribly, terribly, icky right now...in more ways than one...in way more ways than one...

Wish I could just burn the Kaleidoscope that holds my life...that would make things better...I think...

A million tiny different eyes...you have no idea the gravity that statement holds...and the ones who do...have too much going on right now to even bother them with all of this....

I am really tired. I said it last time didn’t I...well...even more so now...it keeps getting worse...that feeling of being tired...I have to get up though...I have to get up and make the lunches, and get the medicines together, and get backpacks secured with all things needed; have to pay bills, clean house, schedule appointments, make meals, oversee homework, play referee in fights (does not just apply to fights for children)...and you know what...none of that sounds to bad does it? My answer is no....it really doesn’t...that is the normal things any parent, wife, sibling, etc. would do for their family...but nobody really knows that all that stuff on the outside is just the surface...that on the inside is this huge tumultuous battle of the wills waging on...nobody knows just how easy it would be to go to sleep and not wake up again....nobody knows...

Wrote a poem once...called noone knows....or something like that...wait, let me see if I can find it real quick...BRB...never mind...wrong thought, wrong poem...it was called "Who Could’ve Known but No-one?"

Never mind on everything...I’ll stick the poem up here and then go away...my little princess is about ready to get out of the shower and I will need to braid her hair...so I need to go...go...go...go...oh where I would really like to go is a that big blank white sheet of paper (you know the ones like they would draw daffy duck or bugs bunny on) and then the artist would take the pencil and erase the drawing because of a mistake...and the cartoon would snatch the pencil and draw themselves back in...I wish I could just take the pencil and finish erasing away...never mind...here is that poem...

Who Could’ve Known

but No-One?

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her plea)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one saw her flee)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see)

Who could’ve known but no one

(Still, no one wouldn’t let her free)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her be)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one wouldn’t let her leave)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who saw her tears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For it is no one who is her fear)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was there through the years)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one is the only one who hears)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one has watched her grow)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one ever let it show)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It seemed no one wanted to know)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one saw her in her lows)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would grow despite it all)

Who could’ve known but no one

(The many times she’d fall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(That she would hide behind a wall)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is the one who called)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one looked to see the real)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one was out for the kill)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one fought to help her heal)

Who could’ve known but no one

(It’s just no one and the child’s will)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one is always there)

Who could’ve known but no one

(For no one seems to care)

Who could’ve known but no one

(I wonder if no one plays fair?)

Who could’ve known but no one

(No one and me...what a pair)