A Journey Through Life

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle! ~Alice In Wonderland~

Caterpillar: Who... are... you?

Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I've changed so much since this morning, you see...

Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself.

Alice: I'm afraid I can't explain myself, you see, because I'm not myself, you know.

Caterpillar: I do not know.

Alice: I can't put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn't clear to me.

Abuse

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LWM: My Dear one no one ever truly dies, they just move forward but they are awaiting us. Your journey is still in the making as is your grandmothers grab it, experience it and soon enough you will all be joined together again laughing, talking and huging once more. Bless you I am here for you always just an e mail away

LWM:

by and read the new ALBs message if your interested . it may help to understand what the heck is going on around us all

mystic: always happy to see a familiar face stop over have a wonderful rest of the week

Kevin: Hi.. Your blog looks fantastic. I would really appreciate if you could exchange link with me...

DeviilsNeedLove2: Hope you're feeling better today.

DevilsNeedLove2: I actually just got you on there. Hee hee. I dunno but last time I logged in to my journal I was having all sorts of problems. I couldn't even make any new posts. But everything seems to be working fine now. Are you having problems sleeping, too?

DevilsNeedLove2: I tried adding you and it wouldn't let me, so I dunno what's going on. But I have you on my Myspace, so that's the most important. =)

DevilsNeedLove2: I'd love to be added to your friends list! Can I add you, too? You'll be my very first friend. =) I will check back in with you later and read your new blog. Right now I have to go get my work out in. Blarg! Take care.

DevilsNeedLove2: I've actually been trying to add a couple new posts the last two nights, but every time I try to make a new entry, it tells me the system failed to log me in. No idea what's going on. Boo. I promise to take a closer look at your blog in the next few days. Been busy. Thanks for stopping by again!

DevilsNeedLove2: Hey, thanks for stopping by my journal. I'm glad you liked what you found there. =)

Valerie: Hi there. I'm making a depression newsletter and I wondered if I might use excerpts from your blog or if you would care to share a story. Visit my link for more info. No obligation. I hope most of all that you feel better soon. Peace.

Renee: Hey hun I finally updated. Am thinking of you and missing you. I hope that you find some time to smile and know that you are loved.

Cat: Hey. It has been a very long time. E-mail me or something.

Junelle: Hi there! care to exchange links?

Bits & Pieces: tnx for the visit...ok let me know if u add me already, ok?

Bits & Pieces: hello...care to exchange link? if so let me know so I can add your link to my blog...tnx

LWM: Just dropping by to see how you are doing and maybe let you know you are missed here by many of us

Irish Blessing: Happy New Year! I thought you needed to be reminded how much you are loved, and how special you are to God....click on the link, to hear the Irish blessing.

Angel: Happy New Year! Extending my deepest sympathy in the passing of your mother.

LWM: Happy Winter Solstice,

Drop by when you can

herbert: hello from germany, visit and comment my site, please

LWM: Just peering into your world

to see how you are. Stop by sometime

Marcus: I'm glad to hear your doing well, even with the shitty start. Waking up with someone you love is an enormous plus in my book. good luck with everything.

LWM: Happy Halloween to you from this ol witch herself

Come see the beggar that came to my door when you get a chance.

Renee: Hey hun ~ I closed my Passionate Poet account and this is my new one! Just wanted you to add this link! Thinking of you and missing you!

LWM: Out for my weekly blog drive

thought I’d drop by your place and say Hi. Come see a our family member to be

when you get a chance.

Renee: Thinking of you ~ maybe you could send me your email and we could try it that way. Updated a small amount. Am missing you and hope that you are smiling. I love you xoxoxox

LWM: Stopping

by to say Hi

Come visit me when you can

Renee: The email is linked on my name ~ maybe I sent it wrong knowing me lol ~ try this again ~ lillycreations@gmail.com ~ I love you so much.

Renee: Hey hun ~ didnt get the email ~ try again and i will check and make sure it wont go to spam ~ thanks sweetie and i love you xoxoxox

LWM: Wishing u a GREAT Weekend with lots of Love and Light

Drop by sometime

Renee: hun i need you to email me when you can ~ i love you lillycreations@gmail.com

Lady Wolfen Mists:

Renee: Updated hunny and hope that you are smiling and well ~ I love you very much.

sparkle: Hello, hope you are having a good weekend

Kerri: Hi I was just journal surfing and thought I would say Hi

Lady Wolfen Mists: Hi, Its me sending you hugs

and wishing you a wonderful week, month, year and life for that matter. Stop by my place if you get a chance and read about spirits in the house as well as the latest angel messages I have gotten

Renee: Am missing you my sweet and hope that you are doing okay and smiling. I love you very very much.

Elyse: Havent seen a post from you in a bit...Hope all is well.....

sparkle: have a great week ahead

ageless: just dropping by

Angel: Mel, I'm sorry. I miss you and wish I could talk to ou. but not now. Not now. I love you, so don't forget that!

Abraham's: Hey an interesting blog.Keep the work going..

Cat: Hey,I noticed you tag on my blog. Sorry it took me so long to respond, I haven't been all that motivated lately. Well, I hope that htings our going ok over there. Talk to you later.

Renee: Hey hun! Am enjoying the New Moon and was flooded with creativity so I updated! Hope that you are doing well and know that I am thinking of you!

Josh Nay (Jay Roberts): Hmm...I love the colors of your journal. Just thought I'd stop by and say hello to you. So...helllo!

ageless: thanks. and yes, "do or do not there is no try" is one of my favorites. yoda rocks. may the force be with you.

Tianta: hey, thanks for the nice tag comment!!

courtney: hey...i was blog hopping and just wanted to say hello!

Lady Wolfen Mists: Blessed and most magickal Midsummers Solstice to you.

Stop by my place to read my latest rant and see the card I created for this day

venom75: Thanks for the tag.

Saturday, January 17th 2009

6:11 AM (313 days, 11h, 14min ago)

Less than Human

Mood: beyond upset
Sound: the noise in my head
Quote: fuck the world

...what is it to be less than human? That's what I am and I still cannot tell you exactly what it turns one into...but I am less than human apparently...at least that is what I feel like at the time...that is what I feel like pretty much 75% of the time.

I make things right by writing a letter and saying what she wont let me say to her face because (in her words) "what is the point, it is the same old story every time..." so I write it...and she reads it...and things go back to being good...but it can't even last 24 hours before some stupid, minor thing creeps in and screws it all up again...I am going to burn every God forsaken cell phone I ever come into contact with one of these days...starting with my own...it is nothing more than a $300 piece of shit!! But due to bad reception (which mind you happens 90% of a persons time on the stupid machine) she apparently does not speak english or I understand shit...well let me tell you...right now I probably could understand a pile of shit staring me in the face better than I could her...

I am so tired...I am so very tired of all of this...I love so much...but hurt so much more...maybe it is because it is so difficult to truly give completely of yourself to another...and so easy to be hurt by anyone...you know what though...when it is that one person who you have given yourself completely to that hurts you over and over...and because of such little things that should not even matter at the days end...it is really sad...

I want to hurt myself right now...no one can hurt me as bad as I can hurt me...that is until lately...the longer I go without hurting myself the more it hurts when someone else does something hurtful...I should just do it and get it over with...but so much of me does not want to do it...that is the only reason I haven't as of yet...but then this very strong and very adament part of who I am wants so much to say "fuck you world, see if you can top this..."

I am so frustrated right now all I want to do is cry and I can't even sit down and cry...at least when I cry I don't cut, or do anything else damaging...as long as I cry before it happens...I always cry after the fact...but I need to just sit down and cry now....but I can't...there is such a huge battle going on inside myself all the time...It drives me to the point of insanity one moment...and the next moment it is the only sense of stability I know...

I want to sleep...sleep...and sleep some more...I can't even do that though...I cannot leave my two little ones without watching over...

At least for now, I am through.