Blood pours like tears. They fall from her face. Blood pours like tears. There's never any grace. Tears thick as blood. Stain her pillow case. Tears thick as blood. Leave a bitter taste.

Tears mix with blood. Tears begin to flood. Blood mix with tears. Blood erases the evil fears. Mind going black. Nothing there but emptiness. Mind drifts off to "far away". There's much the mind SHOULD confess.

Listening she does plenty. But words cannot be found. For actions she does not. Her fear and comfort have her bound. Blood pours like tears, And tears pour like blood. The future she wishes were bright. If only she believed that it could.

I am getting more and more depressed. I do not know why. I just am. In the course of the last half year so many things have happened. My family came near being ripped to shreds by the psychotic episodes of one woman. Everyone tried to remain strong. In the end it only met us with heartacks and hard decisions. Things still have not calmed down completely from that because that one woman still tries to stir things up now and then. School nearly drove me to a nervous breakdown...so much so that I changed my major AGAIN...I am going back to a Bachelor in Sociology and a Master in Psychology so that I can counsel...I can't do the medical fields because it just like to have driven me insane. I found out I have to go to the junior college one more semester because the class I need isn't being offered this coming semester and it is one that I have to have. I am suppose to go back to work August 1st but Carol wants me to try and stay off until I finish this certificate so I can just focus on getting another job. I understand her reasoning because Quest is driving me slowly insane. Granted it is a break from the craziness at home...but it is also its own craziness and often times can be worse. I have many panic attacks and breakdowns at work. So many that it effects my production and performance there and I am not able to give 100% to my job. I am having a difficult time finding transcriptionist jobs though. I think tomorrow I will go and try to get the application from the front lobby at Inland and if they don't have it I will try going on Monday.

I am not sleeping well. Not last night but the night before last I did not sleep for 26 hours straight. When I have been sleeping I wake up several times throughout the night and when I am asleep it is filled with nightmares. I have been having body memories of the abuse for the entire week...I even asked Carol to drug me tonight so I would sleep and not dream...but then I thought about how I could go after she went to sleep and take more and more pills and the thought made me a little frightened at how strong it was...so Karolina has poped out near the front and we decided not to take ANY so that there is less temptation for the "more and more" activity. It is only 10:36 p.m. hopefully I will go to sleep before midnight...I don't know...I guess it doesn't matter because I wont sleep well anyway.

I have been missing my Mom a lot lately. I look at her pictures all the time. I found the poem that she wrote me for my graduation party at the end of May in 2003. I found some more pictures of her too. I have one of me in my prom dress and her sitting on the bench swing at the park in Overton. I miss her so much. I still get mad at her so very mad...but then I miss her so much...I don't know what to feel or think and it just frustrates me so very much. What's more is I miss my sister and yet I know I will never be able to have that close and personal relationship with her that I have always hoped for. To much has taken place since 2006 that it will more than likely never be possible...who am I kidding it wont be possible...I should just face it. What makes me mad is that my grandmother hurt me so terribly bad...of all the people when this stuff blew up with me and my family...my "Meemaw" is the one that pierced me so deep that to pull the blade out would just cause more damage so she pulled it out and made me bleed more...She called me so many ugly names, she denied having ever said anything when I have the emails that came from HER email address...when I wrote down "WORD FOR WORD" the conversation we had when I told her I needed to confront him but wouldn't do it without her blessing...I wrote it down WORD FOR WORD immediately after it took place so as not to forget any of the words...it's not like it was a long conversation...I am so mad that I miss her...she hurt me so bad...yet I miss her...maybe I miss her so much because the lady I felt was like a grandmother to me here is now resident evil and tries to make everyones life hell and has threatened me...I am not afraid of her doing anything...but it hurts none the less that she called me all those names too...and the fact that she did threaten me hurts...someone I have loved and cared for and giving so much of myself for...and now I can no longer think of her in that manner...and I cannot think of my own grandmother in that manner...and I just miss having my "Meemaw"...I miss having that person in my life...I sometimes wish that certain things in the past would never have happened...because it all hurts so badly...but then I wouldn't be who I am today...and as much as I dislike who I am most the time...I do like that I can help other people with what I have been through. I like that I can relate to them and that by relating to them and letting them know they are not alone and they are not freaks helps them...I like knowing that...I just hate what it is that I know happened and made me have that likeness to other people who have been hurt. Besides if things had not happened this way I never would have had the opportunity to fall in love with my Sweetheart and never would have had the chance to find the joys of my life in those two precious little ones. The two older ones also are precious jewels in my life. And those people I would not trade anything for...not even a day from the past being different.

I am so tired all the time...I wish I could sleep...I am so frustrated and confussed all the time I wish I could turn my head off. I spin all the time...I think all the time...I get lost so many times in the back of my mind...I hate it...I hate feeling confused and I hate feeling out of control...

I have not been eating really...and when I do eat it is only to please Carolyn and it is only a little...and many times after that I go and throw it up. I like when my hands start shaking because I know that I am the one that is the reason they are shaking...that I am making them shake...that I am the cause...I am the reason...I am the controling factor.

Why not...nothing else makes sense...at least that does... 

~Melody~ *Signing Out*