Well dear friends.  It has been some time sine I last wrote here hasn't it.  I don't have much time to journal any more.  I don't count that a sad thing though.  It means that on most occassions I am busy doing things that involve living life in the real rather than living my life on the computer....I love my time to journal...and I wish I had more time to do so...I am wanting to start a new journal...because my family and I are going through some hardships right now and a new beginning is in the making for all of us right now as I type this...and as I look back on the last few years that I have had this journal and all the trails, the personal tests, life lessons learned, the hell gone through, and yes the good things that came out of the cracks and corners too...I have brought myself to a place of here and now knowing that who I was and where I was in those past years...has come as far as I "she" can...to move forward...I have to let go of a lot of things...a whole lot of things...and press forward...with new hope, new faith, new love, new dreams, new goals, new life...and I cannot do that while stepping forward with one foot and stepping back with the other...I'll wind up in the splits in a heart beat and let me tell ya it hurts like hell my body isn't made to land the splits in any way LOL....

My family in Texas has shown know real desire to be a family to me.  They have pretty words with rose smelling petals that sound so beautiful...how they want to be of help to me, they want me to better myself, they want me to be happy...but because I am achieving those things without doing it the way THEY WANTED IT DONE...well then, they don't think I am doing it right and they can't have anything to do with it...so I am done with it.  I love them all...and I love them so much...and I have not let go of loving them...and don't know that I will for a long time...but that is 1 new goal (goal 1- let go of a family that is not going to exist and embrase COMPLETELY the family in front of you that is exactly what you want and need)...that includes my sister.  I know my sister will always be a part of my life...but what i so long for and wish for and dream for...that kind of relationship with that kind of trust will never be able to develope under all the circumstances that have come to pass throughout our childhoods and then especially that over the last 2 years...

Anyway...that is all things of the past...that I need to work on letting go of...that family, that hurt, those loses...the lose of my mother...that is a hard one...and secret or not...I am having a hard time right now with that one...In less than 1 month it will be 1 year that my mother has been gone from living life...*sigh*I don't know what to think...I don't think I like to think...not on that topic...anyway...It isn't easy...but I will survive...always do...

Then my family...they are so precious...from here on out when you here me speak of my family you will know it consists of my life love, her two precious little children, her two older girls, her parents, and three very good friends to the both of us...My family now is undergoing some hardships...we are packing up to move...and moves are always difficult because of leaving behind a place called "home"...it makes it more difficult because we have little ones who have their whole world upset...Our little boy being Autistic...this makes things really difficult at times...and then our little princess is a very emotional one...and sometimes it hits her harder than people think...so I am very worried about them...but I know that since we are all working through this together and trying to help one another as a whole...that they will be just fine...they are surrounded by so many that love them and do all they can to protect them...and in a sense...even though moves are hard...even this move is being done to protect them...so that they can have better...so that they can have stable...so that they can have comfort...and safety...and when it gets really depressing and I don't know how to get through the day without spazing out and freaking out on everyone and blowing up literally...just KAPOWWIEE no more me because I'm in pieces everywhere...it's then that I am realizing if I look at the family around me...not just one person...but all of them...and I see that this is their life to...and maybe one may not do as much as the other...or one may not be as bright as the other...fact of the matter is...in their own way they all do something at the end of the day that has been a help...even if it is just James making one of those kids laugh...and what contagious laughs they are...or mark cracking a joke that gets a smile out of you when you feel like cracking him one 5 minutes earlier...or lynn sitting down and saying just breath and remember I love you...sometimes just being told "I love you" you know, love may not make everything bad go away...or everything good happen...but love can make you feel good enough to take care of the bad yourself and get the good things going.  I'm rambling...and I'm working myself into an emotional frenzy...not what I wanted to do...so I will go for now...I just wanted to write and say...I am still here...and that this has been one hell of a journey through life...and I am so glad that I have had this space to vent and cry and bare my soul to...Maybe it is time to start a new journal...a new journal for a new journey with a new beginning...

I wish all of my blogger buddies a safe week filled with many of their own wishes coming true...

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Till next time remember....

I understand about wanting to start over. I know things are tough right now but remember that I love you and am here for you no matter what. Loved your entry.

I wish that I had words of wisdom to gve you right now, sweetheart. The most that I can tell you is that life is Disneyland. You have the ups & downs of the rollercoaster. The distortions of the funhouse. Goofy, Mickey and Minnie popping up here & there to walk with you for a time. Keep the faith my sweet vixenette and know I love you. Life may not be easy, but moments in it sure are worth it. Take care!!